Peloton fears completely allayed by promise of ‘reinforced’ inspections, whatever the hell that means

  • Course designer Wile E. Coyote set for new tech role
  • Mechanical doping tablets repurposed to detect bollards, cars
  • Barbed wire removed from list of approved barriers

By Plebeian Cancellara

The pro-peloton has breathed a collective sigh of relief after the UCI’s bold announcement that it might, one day, consider thinking about maybe trying to do something, at some point, to keep riders a little bit safer.

In a strongly-worded press release, the UCI said it “will further reinforce its inspections before and during events,” drawing immediate praise from riders.

“We can tell how seriously the UCI takes this issue by the way they shift responsibility onto race organisers – we feel very reassured,” a leading pro told the Gruppetto Gazette.

Another rider said the way the press release included key passages in bold type was also comforting.

The announcement included few concrete details of what they might actually do, but it did include a tantalising reference to “new technologies,” which is expected to involve current head of course design, Mr Wile E. Coyote, shifting sideways into a newly created “technology and innovations” leadership position within the UCI.

Sources close to Mr Coyote suggest his first actions will include repurposing the hugely successful mechanical doping tablet-scanner-things to check race finishes for equally hard-to-spot objects, such as bollards, metal poles, and cars driving on the course.

Barbed wire, LEGO and string are also expected to be removed from the list of officially-approved finishing barrier materials.

In a further demonstration of how seriously the UCI takes its safety responsibilities, president David Lappartient will ride the final 5km of the opening Tour de France stage on an ACME rocket tied to a skateboard.

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