UCI’s COVID “Plan B” revealed: Jumbo Visma to be declared winners of everything

By Faux-sto Coppi

In the seemingly inevitable really, really, super unlikely situation that the COVID-19 pandemic forces the abandonment of the 2020 cycling season, every race will just be awarded to Team Jumbo-Visma.

According to documents leaked exclusively to the Gruppetto Gazette, any one-day races left on the calendar will be immediately added to Wout van Aert’s palmarès.

Early drafts of the document reveal that Remco Evenepoel (Decuenink Quick Step) was originally to have factored into the UCI’s victory equations, but he made the process much simpler by hurling himself off a Lombardian bridge.

The process for deciding cancelled or unfinished grand tours, however, is slightly more complicated.

According to the leaked document: “In the event that the Tour de France is cancelled half-way through, the race will be awarded to either Primoz Roglic or Tom Dumoulin, whoever is highest on GC at the time.”

Any remaining grand tours and stage races will then be decided by a “spectacular” contest between Roglic and Dumoulin, which the UCI is hailing as a potential watershed moment in sports entertainment.

“Roglic and Dumoulin will be placed on turbo trainers directly facing one another. They will then be forced to ride at a minimum 350w until either:

a) Roglic shows an emotion; or

b) Dumoulin is able to convince a randomly-selected six-year old child that his decision to quit the MPCC was a principled protest against the running of Paris-Nice, and had very little to do with ketones.

The event is expected to take a while.